


don't let it fool you

by punkjuggie



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Episode: s01e07 Coda, Flashbacks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 06:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18047024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkjuggie/pseuds/punkjuggie
Summary: Max apologizes, for real this time; Michael takes a trip down memory lane. 1x07 Coda.





	don't let it fool you

“How long you been here?” Michael asks, shutting the door of the truck behind him.

 

Max shrugs, the glow of the fire dancing in his face. He’s hunched over by the makeshift bonfire Michael set up in front of his trailer. Sitting there, alone, curled up on himself, Max is almost unrecognizable. He looks tired and dejected, so far away from the facade he’s put up for the past ten years.

 

“Didn’t want to be alone, I guess,” he answers, barely lifting his eyes up from the fire.

 

Michael nods and joins him, sitting beside him and letting the silence engulf them for a moment. Here in the desert, with nothing but the sound of crickets and the crackling of the fire, Michael thinks it’s easy to pretend like they’re 14 again; escaping their shitty lives just for one night, the three of them camping out and looking at the sky night, just wondering…

 

But it’s not the same, not without Isobel. And Michael doesn’t waste time wondering anymore.

 

“You okay?” Max asks after a while, turning his head to actually look at Michael.

 

“I’m fine,” Michael says, trying his best to keep his voice as neutral as possible. If Max notices him lying through his teeth, he doesn’t say anything, simply nods.

 

“Have you seen Alex since he’s been—”

 

“Don’t,” Michael interrupts him. “Don’t start with that. There’s nothing to say.” From the corner of his eye, Michael sees Max flinch at the sudden harshness of his tone.

 

“Michael,” Max starts again. “What I said earlier—I’m sorry.”

 

Michael sighs. “You apologized already, just let it go.”

 

“It wasn’t fair,” Max continues, ignoring Michael. “Alex didn’t just go away; he went to _war_.”

 

It’s Michael’s turn to flinch, ever so slightly.

“It was wrong of me to compare this to Liz, because at least I knew she was safe. Even if it did make me miserable.”

 

 _“So was I,”_ Michael wants to say, but he keeps his mouth shut instead. He doesn’t think he can do this tonight. He wants to get up, leave Max and his exercise in self-loathing behind, and go to sleep just to mute all the thoughts in his head.

 

“So I’m sorry I threw that in your face. But just so you know, I never would’ve made him leave.”

 

Michael scoffs. “Well, I’m sorry for being a lesser man than you, oh Saint Max.”

 

“No, that’s not what I meant,” he amends, frustration lacing his words. “You looked happy that summer. For a while, at least. I saw you around town and I thought to myself, _‘at least he’s okay’_. I was okay being miserable as long as you and Izzy got to be okay.”

 

Michael stares, stunned. He remembers those five weeks before Alex left. The two of them sneaking around, avoiding Alex’s father. Sleeping in the truck in the middle of the desert, huddling close beneath the one sleeping bag Michael owned. Hiding in the museum whenever they wanted to escape in their own world.

 

Yeah, Michael figures he had been okay for a while.

 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t need you to make him leave,” Michael says, voice small in the dark. The fire is slowly dying; soon he’ll have to add some wood or kick Max out. “I managed that all by myself,” he explains, swallowing down the bitterness in his own words.

 

Max looks at him then, eyes wide and brows knitted in bewilderment. “Michael—what?”

 

Michael laughs, a sad and ugly sound. “There’s no one to blame but myself! What can I say, I’m fucking great at making people leave.”

 

Max shakes his head. “You’re not.”

 

Michael closes his eyes and swallows down the lump in his throat. “Then why doesn’t anyone stay?” he asks, voice cracking.

 

Behind his eyes, he can see it again, clear as day.

 

_Alex, standing beside the truck, refusing to meet his eyes._

 

_“What do you mean you’re leaving?”_

 

_Alex sighs, running a hand through his hair. It’s shorter now, neatly styled and his piercing is gone._

 

_“You disappear for three days and then you come back just to tell me you’re leaving? What’s going on Alex?”_

 

_“I think it’s what’s best for both of us. You’ll be gone to college in a few weeks anyway.”_

 

_Alex says it, and it’s like a punch to Michael’s gut; he’s not going to college. He can’t now, can’t leave Isobel and Max behind, but he hasn’t found a way to tell Alex yet without revealing their secret._

 

_And now Alex is leaving._

 

_Michael shakes his head. “Is your dad making you do this?”_

 

_“It’s not about my dad,” Alex tells him, but he’s voice is small and he sounds tired._

 

_Michael presses the ball of his hands in his eyes, trying to calm the storm raging in his mind. Faintly, he feels his hand starts to throb with the pressure but he ignores it._

 

_“Is it me then?” he asks, voice shaking, already knowing the answer._

 

_Because Alex still won’t look at him._

 

_“We rushed into this Guerin, but it’s not so simple.”_

 

_“Yes, it is,” Michael argues, and he’s vaguely aware of how desperate he sounds, but at this point, he’d do anything just to have Alex look at him again._

 

_“I don’t have that many options. Not everyone can get a full ride, Guerin. So I’ll protect my country, it’s the Manes way. Always been.”_

 

_“You’re not gonna be protecting shit, Alex. It’s war!”_

 

_Michael sees Alex flinching at the sound of his raised voice and he hates himself for it, but he cannot seem to calm down._

 

_“C’mon Alex, you’re better than this and you know it.” Michael tries._

 

_Finally, Alex raises his head and looks at him. “You’ve known me for two months, Guerin. And you think you get to choose what’s right for me?”_

 

_Michael makes a frustrated sound in the back of his throat as he starts to feel his eyes burn a little._

 

_“You’re gonna be off to great things, with your Engineering degree and all. I was never meant to be more than a stop along your way.”_

 

_All the air is sucked out of Michael’s throat and he can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t see. His eyes are welling up and he’s trying so hard to keep it together._

 

_“Alex,” he murmurs, shaking his head. “Stop.”_

 

_“I didn’t come here for you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do with my life. I already have one dad and it’s more than enough,” Alex says and Michael knows he’s trying to alleviate the situation, but the comparison just makes Michael feel sick._

 

_“I wanted you to hear it from me first,” Alex tells him. “And I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”_

 

_“I think you’re making a mistake,” Michael says as a last-ditch attempt to make Alex stay._

 

_But Alex doesn’t get mad, he doesn’t fight and Michael knows then: his mind is already made up and not even Michael is enough to make him stay. He doesn’t care at this point; he lets the tears roll down his cheeks._

 

_“I make a lot of mistakes Guerin,” Alex says and leans in to kiss Michael’s wet cheek._

 

_Michael squeezes his eyes shut and focus on the feel on Alex’s lips on his skin, committing it to memory._

 

_When he opens his eyes, Alex is gone._

 

The fire’s dying.

 

He knows Max is looking at him, maybe squinting in the darkness. Michael is exhausted.

 

“You should go home,” he tells him. “We’ll go see Iz first thing in the morning.”

 

Max nods and stands up, picking up his hat on the ground to put it on his head. Michael rises as well, more than ready to retreat to his trailer.

 

“Do you think we’ll be okay again?” Max asks, and Michael freezes.

 

“Yeah,” he says turning around to face Max with a mask of false bravado on his face. That way, it’s easier to ignore just how empty he feels inside.

He smiles. “We’ll be fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Roslyn by Bon Iver and St. Vincent. I'm softguerin on tumblr, come say hi!


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